Therefore, having this ministry by the mercy of God, we do not lose heart.
2 Corinthians 4:1 (ESV)
So, I was going to blog tonight about body image and a super negative experience I had in the dressing room of Kohls this past week. But as fate would have it, the course of my thoughts changed after I got to work this evening... There are nights when I come in here, and before I even get both feet across the threshold I know it's going to be a really rough night. There are also nights I walk in here and the very smell of this place takes me back to the joy I had when I only dreamed of having a job here. And there are also nights with a plethora of other feelings and emotions; Anger, fear, joy, sadness, hopelessness, guilt, shame. It's like a residential grab bag. You never know what you are going to get. I have cried here, I have laughed here, I have been hit in the face, I have been yelled at, threatened, had furniture thrown at me. I have wiped away the tears of others, and had others wipe my tears. I have fallen madly in love with children I couldn't help. I have run through the streets talking children down from making terrible mistakes. I have sang children to sleep, tucked little ones in bed, been the stand in mom. I have picked up others and have been picked up. I have walked away, and I have come back. Nothing, and I mean nothing in the entire world can compare to working with residential children. So while making my usual rounds tonight, I was struck clear in the face with the revelation that I am so. very. blessed. There is no doubt in my mind that God himself brought me here. That every part of my life up until this point has prepared me to love these kids. And oh, how I love these children! They make me angry and most days push me to the edge. But I am certain there is not one child here I wouldn't give my life for. (But make sure you only ask me to repeat that on a good day.) I just can't imagine spending my life doing anything else. Can I help all of these children? Absolutely not. In fact, there are probably a very small percentage that will actually remember me when they leave this place. But it's the ones that will remember that matter. It's not my place to decide who will utilize my help and who won't in the future. It's just my job to give it. Whoever you are reading this, wherever you are in life. I hope it doesn't take you as long to find your place as it did me. My heart found it's home here when I was 22, but even that doesn't seem soon enough. And know there will be days you question your calling. (My kiddos make me question it at least twice a night). But don't let those doubts kill your ministry. And don't let your past make you feel unqualified. Hear this. I am thankful for every unhealthy relationship, every tear, every sleepless night, every scream, every fight, every eviction, every hospital trip, every locked door, and every moment that I ever wanted to give up. Because I didn't. Because my God was so much bigger than my storm. And because God used my storm to build my ministry. And he will use your storm to build yours. Praise God for that. | |